When Things Don’t Happen for a Reason
My Memorial Day weekend plans were to make the 8 hour road trip to Wisconsin. I’d leave super early on Saturday to arrive in time to be on the lake with my aunt and her family. To make the most of the trip, I decided I’d spend the week up there, working remotely, then drive home the next weekend.
Friday night, I was all prepared. I’d just dropped Maya off with my parents, had even gotten road trip snacks, and now was getting gas so all I had to do in the morning was wake up, get in the car, and start driving north.
Plot Twist
But then, the smell of gas got really strong, which is understandable if you’re at a gas station, but I didn’t think the sound of gushing liquid onto concrete beneath my car was normal. The gas reader had stopped at 26 gallons…and I only had a 25 gallon tank.
That pushed me past my limit for the day. I’d actually just gotten my car back from the mechanic. Work had been non-stop and stressful, and I was running low on energy to cope with anything extra. But it seemed that life didn’t care. Here I was facing another problem that I couldn’t fix in time for me to continue with my original plans.
I was able to drive the 7 minute trek home, thankfully. On the way, I found myself trying to figure out the reason of why God had this happen at this specific time. Maybe it’s because if I were to travel as planned, I would get in a fatal crash. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t supposed to go on the trip at all. I found myself trying to think of a reason. Trying to find the silver lining.
But then I started thinking: A) It’s exhausting trying to figure out a reason why this happened when I actually have no idea why, so B) Maybe there isn’t a reason why this happened. It just did.
The Grief
When I walked through my front door, with gas still dripping from my parked car in the road, I crumpled to the floor and cried. It all felt like too much to handle. I’d been as prepared as possible to get good rest and out the door quickly the next morning. I’d planned everything perfectly, but reality didn’t follow that plan.
When the sobs eventually subsided and my breathing went back to normal, I asked God what I should do next. And the thing that sounded the most good to me? Rest. Getting sleep felt like the smartest option. Using the next day for quality time with God and myself to rest, journal, and read sounded like the silver lining for which I was looking. But I think the key is, I didn’t find the silver lining until I let myself grieve my plans.
I think that applies to a lot of things in life. Plans often don’t become reality. Things change. Inevitable, uncontrollable circumstances happen without our permission. The only thing in our control is our response. Here’s some of my response options I’m learning about:
Make the disappointing situation worse by wallowing and trying to numb and escape the pain.
Meet ourselves where we’re at in the pain. Acknowledge that it hurts. And then when the tears dry up, stand back up, take a shower, and get some sleep.
Because life still goes on. Trying to escape the pain doesn’t provide any benefits except for temporary numbness and, often, more permanent side effects of pain and loneliness. And I’m reminding myself of this more than anyone. Trust me. I’m an expert at trying to escape and avoid the pain.
The End of the Story
To finish the story, my parents thankfully let me use their car and I made the trip on Sunday instead of Saturday. I still chose to go, and I’m really glad I did. But I think it would have been a different trip if I hadn’t had the time to truly rest on Saturday. Sometimes, a hidden gift still arrives at disappointing events.