My Ultimate Work Mental Breakdown
The Breakdown
I had a mental breakdown at work. Yup. Crying, leaving the office, the whole works. Has this ever happened to you? Here’s what my work mental breakdowns typically look like: In the office, it’s walking head down to the bathroom, shutting the stall door, and stifling the sobs while tears pour out. At home, it’s getting away from my computer screen, curling up in a fetal position under a blanket on my couch, and sobbing while Maya confusingly observes. The most likely cause of the breakdown: me feeling like a failure at my job.
At my previous job, I would get frustrated. But the frustration didn’t lead to the severity of the breakdowns I was now experiencing. Was I not cut out for this anymore? I don’t like not being able to handle something. Yet if I’m consistently feeling burned out at work, maybe there was a better question I should be asking: Is my desire to climb the corporate ladder now evolving into something that looks completely different?
“It’s okay to change your mind.”
This is what I heard on my way to work one morning as I listened to Jenna Kutcher’s book, How Are You, Really? And looking back, I have changed my mind. Or maybe, I’ve found my mind.
The Career Summary
Let me give you a synopsis on my brief career to-date.
When I graduated high school in 2014, I didn’t know what to major in in college. After looking at the lists of majors, none of them sounded appealing. I still had to pick one, though; I couldn’t think of any another viable options. So my parents walked me through some categories of what I liked: math, office supplies….so accounting? It was decided.
As I went through accounting classes and made friends, I realized that those friends really liked accounting. However, my purpose for college became more about graduating and affording a life on my own. It never really was about the job. Deep down, I just wanted to help people. Do something meaningful. Eventually, I ended up in the back office of a mortgage bank, and a few months later, transitioned into the accounting department. I almost quit a month in, but then the people I worked with started to outweigh the problems I worked on. And that’s how it continued for the next 4 years until suddenly, I preferred the problems over the people.
The job was taking more than I wanted to give. I felt alone and without a support system. I knew it was time to pivot. In order to not box myself into a certain industry or accounting/finance for the rest of my career, I stepped into data analytics with a company and team that was even more fast paced and demanding. Yet they had great benefits and flexibility, so I hoped that would make up for the increased expectations.
Nine months later, I’ve found myself realizing that I can’t keep this up. This job drains the life out of me, too. I sense myself morphing into a different personality when I walk into work. At first, I thought this was because it was a new job and I needed time to adapt. And that was some of it. But now, it’s not new. I’m closed-off and silent. I know how to do my job more easily, but it doesn’t satisfy. To me, what I do doesn’t matter. And I feel that any other corporate desk job I would transition to would produce the same feelings in me.
The Quest to Matter
So. How do I transition from the expectation that work is my passion to the lifestyle of working on my passion? I want to record my journey here. And maybe along the way, encourage anyone who feels this way, too, that we can do this. We can step out of the infamous career path and back onto our path, if that’s what we want to do. This blog? This is my start. What’s yours?