The Dark Week

Nephew Update

I have a nephew now. Born on Christmas Day. He’s the sweetest and cutest baby ever. And yes, I know I’m biased and everyone says that about their own. But still. I stand by that statement.

I got to be with him for the first two and a half weeks of his life and then I went back home. I made daily FaceTime calls and I’m sure by the third day my sister rolled her eyes when she saw my name pop up on her phone. But I was sad I was missing out on him growing up already. I never knew one could be so fascinated with something so little.

The Dark Week Explained

If you really know me, you know that I love my own space. I recharge by being alone.

Being with people for two and a half weeks, completely outside of my routine, away from Maya half the time, and going on half a nights’ sleep some days forced me to be creative with my alone time and I didn’t make it happen often enough. I felt bittersweet about going home - I really didn’t want to leave Kai and yet I knew for my mental sanity (and honestly for the sanity of those around me) I needed my own space and alone time.

I got home a Sunday night. The next few hours were possibly the most productive ever. I immediately unpacked everything, then took down all the Christmas decor - I even deep cleaned the kitchen sink.

And then I sat down on the couch and was sad. I didn’t know what to do and everything I could do felt like it wouldn’t fill the void. I was now used to being with people 24/7 and here I was completely alone (except for Maya of course).

The next few days consisted of me waking up to get online for work and then basically passing the time by watching TV. It felt dark. Empty. I would see Instagram reels of how people were also basically just surviving through January. And honestly, that helped me feel like I wasn’t crazy.

I feel like January is an annual purgatory. We’ve made it through the holidays and Christmas cheer, and then, (if you’re like me) once the Christmas decor is put away, you’re ready for spring. Outside mostly looks cold and dreary though - very far from birds singing and breezes whispering. No wonder January feels hard. We go from cozy, light, and happiness 24/7 (literally if you keep your Christmas tree lit) to darkness and dreariness.

And then to top that, America itself experienced hard and some tragic times in January - the LA fires, the presidential election, and the DC plane crash to name a few. All of this and the cold and the dark - will we make it back to the light?

Over a week went by and I still felt the darkness. I would hang out with friends and finally feel better. But when I got settled back home, the energy was gone. The desire to do anything was nonexistent. I was a bit frustrated with myself, honestly. Here I had been looking forward to being home and back in my routine, and now, I didn’t want it. Eventually, as I sat at my desk looking out at the sun but knowing only frigidness would greet me out there, I couldn’t fake it anymore. I didn’t have the willpower to even finish the work day. So I called out sick at 3pm. I went into my bedroom, closed my curtains, got under the covers, and turned on a show so I wouldn’t drown in my thoughts.

The Light Slowly Returning

Today of course, it’s February and above 60 degrees - what they’re calling “fake spring.” I’ll take it. I’m feeling less dark again, more light, and I’m trying to pin-point how I got here. What got me out of the dark?

I think back to something I heard someone say during the midst of the dark week. She was talking about how she felt a certain way and knew she wasn’t meant to stay in those feelings but couldn’t humanly stop them. She said she kept returning to the feet of Jesus every day, asking him to change her heart. It didn’t happen overnight for her, but it did happen.

I think about how freeing that is - to be honest with Jesus about where we’re at. We don’t have to fake feeling happy or pretend that everything is fine. He wants our honesty - no matter how messy it is. He meets us where we’re at and changes our hearts for the better.

So I kept coming back to Jesus, bringing the dark feelings with me. I didn’t hear condemnation from him. I only heard these reminders:

I am loved just the way I am.

He is proud of me for bringing this to him.

He is the light.

I wasn’t meant to stay in darkness.

I won’t be in the dark forever.

In case anyone else felt like January was too dark, you’re not alone. We’ll keep moving forward and making the most of this year together, finding light along the way.